Okay, maybe I’m not one. But, chances are, my NPI (Narcissistic Personality Inventory) is pretty high. How do I know?
What? Online quizzes aren’t reliable? Well, okay. Maybe they’re not. But I learned something interesting from this whole process about how I view others and what I value. And I hope that in sharing it, I’ll hopefully give a few of you a new perspective as well. (After all, did you silently judge me when I told you I’m a narcissist?)
So, I gave a presentation today to Danscend’s Council of educators on recognizing narcissism in the dance community. While I was researching, I said, "What the heck,” and took a quiz to see where I lie on the sliding scale of narcissism.
“Normal” people usually score around a 15 on this NPI scale. Celebrities are usually around a 17.8. Me? I was at a 20. I looked at the sentence that was spat out after I answered my last question. “You are a narcissist.”
Hmm.
Scales and labels
As I told our educators this morning, everyone has at least some level of narcissism. A little narcissism is a good thing - it can allow you to take some pride in a job well done and recognize your attributes. A lot of narcissism can cause you to, well, be Mommy Dearest or Karen from Will and Grace.
But that sentence - “You are a narcissist.” That was an absolute. Not an indicator on a sliding scale. Sure, I might have some narcissistic tendencies (and I might have just been feeling myself when I answered the questions on the quiz). But, in being given that label, I realized that, at least in my mind, labels are kind of the problem.
See, we see someone who might be larger than us and we call them “fat.” We see someone who can’t afford what others can afford and we call them “poor.” We see someone who struggles with anxiety and we call them “anxious.” Labels are black and white while the world exists in every shade of grey.
Sure, Patrick Bateman in American Psycho was a terrifying narcissist. So, he might be at the top of the narcissism scale. But really, the less we label everyone in the world, the better they will probably feel (Bateman not included - he’s fictitious anyway - and also he killed a dog so…)
The point is that when we label people - fat, poor, anxious, narcissist, old, pretty, smart, dumb - the less mobile they are likely to feel they are on all of those sliding scales of attributes.
Because, it’s very difficult to singlehandedly break out of a stereotype. It’s significantly easier to shift from a 20 on the narcissism scale to a 19.8. Or to make just a little more money or lose a few pounds. If your identity isn’t directly tied to something, you essentially have the freedom to grow and change.
Societal assumptions
When I was training for a marathon and running around Central Park, I remember learning the lesson that I should never judge a person by their looks or speed. Why? Because you never know what lap they’re on. I could whiz by a slower runner when I was on mile three and then watch a different runner whoosh by me two hours later when I was on mile 16.
The point is we don’t know what people are going through. So, assumptions? They suck.
As a society, we have also decided what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. People who suffer from anxiety? Totally acceptable. People who suffer from narcissism? Totally not acceptable. In extreme cases, these are both disorders that are diagnosable by a mental health professional. Yet, society has decided that they’re different.
It’s the same with weight - some cultures applaud super thin bodies and send workout suggestions to those with curvier figures. They’re both bodies. But one is more socially acceptable than the other. (Don’t even get me started on how messed up this is.)
The challenge to us as humans is to reserve our judgment of other people, well, forever. But, if you can’t reserve it forever, to at least reserve it until you get to know them a little better. Pretty people aren’t automatically dumb. Curvy people are not automatically out of shape. Poor people are not automatically lazy. And narcissists are not automatically bad people.
We make incorrect (and often hurtful) assumptions about people because society tells us to do so. But, at the end of the day, you never know what mile of their lives that person is running.
Final thoughts
So, maybe I’m a real-life Regina George. And maybe I’m not. But, taking an online quiz and getting a little perspective was exceptionally good for me. Why? Because I realized I had made a character judgment about people struggling with narcissism and I hadn’t even realized it.
It’s so easy to label people in our world - good, bad, happy, sad, smart, dumb, lazy, ambitious - but the truth is that we’re all in one big rainbow spectrum wallowing around together and figuring it out. We label each other because it’s easy. But, life isn’t easy. And the way we describe it shouldn’t be either.
We don’t know where anyone else is at in their journey (even sometimes, ourselves). So, I encourage you all to approach each other with compassion, with an open mind, and with a willingness to change if you feel you need to. As for me? I’ll be asking my friends if I need to make some changes.
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Love,
Michelle