It’s so easy to say yes in the moment.
The entire zoom screen stared at me through their pixelated eyeballs. I had just been asked to be the secretary of the parent teacher association at my kid’s preschool. My brain screamed in protest.
Michelle. You have a one-year-old company, a four-year-old kid, three part-time jobs, and a writing side hustle. You are the last person that has time to organize a fundraising holiday basket extravaganza.
I felt the awkward silence creep in. I couldn’t stand it anymore.
'“Sure. I’m happy to.”
Aahhhh. With four little words, I released all of the pressure in that situation.
But, in exchange for that momentary release, I had taken on a year of obligation. Not a fair trade. But, I did it anyway.
What I didn’t realize was that in adding this one seemingly small obligation, I had jeopardized the rest of my endeavors. All of them.
How do I know that? Well, in hindsight, it’s all about numbers.
The #1 reason we people please
The basic human inclination to fit in is, in fact, an instinct with which we are born. When we were cave folks, we needed to be accepted to partake in the life-saving shelter and teamwork of our tribe. We are conditioned to be joiners because outsiders were, well, eaten by saber toothed tigers.
One of the best ways to fit into a group is to acquiesce when they make a request of you, your time, or your resources. It makes sense. In order to fit in with a group, we need to contribute to the group. It made sense in the days of saber toothed tigers, at least. Today? Not as much.
When we were cave folks, there was one tribe that we needed to appease. We stay on the good side of the decision makers around the campfire and we get to partake of the freshly slain buffalo. Nowadays, though, there are any number of groups in our lives in which we want (and sometimes need) to belong.
I want to be accepted by the parent teacher association because I want them to treat my son well. I want to be accepted by the group at my job because I want to keep my job. I want to be accepted by my friend group. I want to be accepted by my in-laws. I want to be accepted by my neighbors. I want to be accepted by my online writing community. I want to be accepted by the people in my yoga class.
You get it. There are a lot of different tribes to appease.
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So, our instinct to people please to get to stick around the campfire is in direct opposition to the fact that we have a shit ton of campfires in our lives.
And so, we become consummate people pleasers. Often at the detriment of our own personal needs and desires.
The #2 reason we people please
The #2 reason we people please is, well, many of us are terrified of conflict. When we say yes, we often avoid that conflict. Because we either become part or all of the solution to whatever problem is being presented. In essence, saying yes to a proposition is like laying our own bodies down on a train track to fix a broken rail instead of stepping away and letting someone else do it.
When we say no to a proposition, we also worry that the conflict our refusal causes could damage our relationship with the other person. It could create an imbalance in a relationship. Or, worst of all, it could signal that we don’t care about the other person.
We say yes to others because we want to preserve our relationships and we want to protect ourselves from the stress that could be caused by saying no.
And so, we please other people. Often at the expense of pleasing ourselves.
The mathematical impact of people pleasing
Let’s look at this from a numbers standpoint, shall we? I love numbers. Numbers are definitive. Numbers (to me) are comforting because they are hard evidence that can confirm or deny an otherwise existential theory. Numbers don’t lie.
Considering that we all have 24 hours in our days, let’s look at the impact of my choice to agree to be a part of the parent teacher association.
(Now, I recognize that not all hours are created equal and that time can magically expand or contract based on your level of focus, flow, and organization. I get that. I love that. But still, time is kind of a container for understanding commitment).
I said yes to this because I wanted to please the people on the zoom. The required hours were minimal - they said an hour or two per week to organize, meet, and participate in activities. I thought I could swing that.
The appointment was for a year. If I weren’t so stressed about causing conflict by saying no, I would have done that math.
52 weeks x an average of 1.5 hours per week = 78 hours
Let’s say I earn an average of $40 per hour at a side job that I could be working while I’m taking photos of baskets for fund raisers.
$40 per hour x 78 hours = $3,120
Now, that’s assuming a that none of that lost work generated residual income as well. And that isn’t all. Even if I didn’t work instead of participate in this group, each one of those hours still took away from something I might otherwise want to do.
For instance, I love to do yoga. Instead of spending 78 hours doing something I don’t like, I could have taken one 90 minute-long yoga class per week for an entire year.
And, what did I save by saying yes? I avoided conflict for an average of, at max, 5 minutes. Worst case scenario? I staved away weirdness for a month or so when picking up my kid. How long does it take to pick up my kid? 5 minutes.
78 hours of work over a year > 105 minutes of light conflict (20 days x 5 minutes + 5 minutes at the meeting) - or - 1.75 hours
I don’t know about you, but these seem like no brainers.
I will happily take $3,120 to experience 1.75 hours of light conflict.
I will take 1.75 hours of light conflict over 78 hours of work any day.
I readily will choose a yoga class per week over 78 hours of work I don’t like.
Final thoughts
It’s so easy to say yes in the moment. It’s so easy to avoid conflict, make people happy, and ensure your position of the tribe of the day. And? It could be so detrimental to you and your personal goals.
Everything you say you will do for another person can potentially take away from your own personal goals, your time, and even your money.
No, I should not have agreed to work with the association at my kid’s school. But, I did learn a big lesson that day. I learned that it is so much more difficult in the moment to say no to something I’m not passionate about, but that long-term, it is usually the best way to go.
Numbers help me understand the world. And hopefully, this breakdown of the mathematical impact of people pleasing will help you make some different decisions in the future.
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Love,
Michelle
Absolutely love this. I think the universe knew I needed to be reminded! So thank you ❤