I will preface this story by saying that I am fully aware that I am super lucky.
See, I have a group of women who I converse with (via text, phone, and email) at least 330 out of 365 days per year. We call ourselves the “LA Girls.”
This is a wholly inappropriate name for our group seeing as many of us don’t reside in Los Angeles and none of us are girls. We are women. Women who run the world. We are moms, executives, producers, influencers, companions, record breakers, warriors, and friends. Yes, again, I know I am excessively lucky.
My LA girls share dinners, vacations, conquests, divorces, new jobs, failures, births, large purchases, outfit choices, television recommendations, and absolutely ridiculously inappropriate humor. We are a vastly varied group of people who I am absolutely positive will be my “people” until I leave this earth.
I’ll say it again. These people are my people.
Some of them I have known for more than twenty years. Some…just feel like I have.
I don’t say all of this to gloat. I say all of this to begin to make a point (stick with me here).
See, I had a tough week. In fact, I have had a tough two weeks. Of course, my LA girls know that. They have been dealing with their own lives these past few weeks (stomach bugs, multiple flights, flooded bedrooms, massive events, and long-awaited picturesque trips with loved ones to California vineyards).
The point of all of this information is that I received the following message yesterday from a member of this circle of friends.
“I woke up this morning thinking ‘Michelle is so impressive’ not tied to anything specific. Just my waking thought. I think part of it is your ability to embrace mess and the imperfect. I hope you get the space to grieve the way you want to. I love you.”
This was prefaced by a message from another wise friend who said,
“Michelle we’re so glad you’re coming home to us, we’ve missed you so! I know you are coming back to so much work, but you were exactly where you needed to be and with your productivity level I know you’ll be caught up in no time at all! You still, however, need to give yourself the time to grieve as well. You’ve been taking care of everyone else and now it’s your turn! Let us know what we can do to make your transition back easier. We love you so much!”
And then, to top it all off, I walked in the door after a cross-country flight to find…dinner. On my kitchen island. And a card. And a toy for my kid.
Okay, first of all, I have the best friends in the world. Seriously. Right? Like, these are the best bits of encouragement anybody could get when they’re going through a tough time.
Second, did you know that, contrary to popular internet ickiness, building others up helps our brains to learn to build ourselves up as well?
You might be aware that you have what’s called a negativity bias. The remedial explanation of this is that we all notice much more negative than positive. (Don’t worry — if you do this, you’re normal.) But, because of this terrible (often debilitating) bias, we mentally beat ourselves up. We let awful thoughts bounce around our brains, wreaking havoc with no supervision.
You’re so stupid.
You are lazy and unsuccessful.
How do you look so ugly?
I can’t believe you said that. You sounded so dumb.
Nobody likes you. They just talk to you because they have to.
Anybody have thoughts like this? That’s your negativity bias running rampant inside your super impressionable noggin.
It’s very difficult to change the way we speak to ourselves. (Mostly because many of us believe the lies our brains tell us). But, one of the best ways to teach our brains to let up just a little bit on that negative self-talk is to…
Build others up.
When we learn to encourage others, find the positive in situations, and compliment each others’ courage, intelligence, resilience, or wisdom, we take one tiny little step toward learning how to do the same for ourselves.
Our brains are pretty smart. And they make connections pretty easily. Neuroplasticity is totally a thing. And when you learn to find and celebrate the good in others, your very capable brain learns to also find and celebrate the good in you.
I’m grateful to my group of supportive women — both for their love and encouragement through the years, but also for teaching me how to better care for myself.
So, if you want to start training your brain away from the dreaded negativity bias, try reaching out to a friend or loved one with a kind word, a note of encouragement, or a delivered dinner after a long cross-country flight. It will definitely make them feel good. But it also might make you feel better about yourself.
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